söndag 27 mars 2016
Here, I have no inspiration at all. I just did my make up for 2 hours. And still when I look in the mirror I just see a bored face, there's no sparkle in my eyes. I've tried for ages to take a good selfie, but I just look bored and if I do try to fake a happy smile it just looks fake.
How I see it is, that my "relationship" with London, I can't get over it. It's like I just can't stop thinking about it. It's like getting over an ex. Even if I have a "replacement" city, I just can't get over London. London is where I found myself, where I grew the most, where I felt home and that this is where I belong. London is what makes me feel good.
In Brighton, it feels like everyone here has a stable life, everyone has everything they need cuz a lot of people already is from this area. I am feeling like such an outsider.
I can't find energy to do anything at all. I'm stuck in a bad circle. I am so bored and I think in the long run it will kill me.
I don't know if I have to get out of the bad accommodation I have now or if I need to get out from this city completely. I have tried so hard to like it but it just never clicks.
I don't know what to do with my life.
söndag 20 mars 2016
I came to Brighton 6 months ago and the second the train rolled into the station my FIRST impression was "Ehm...is this it?" I was expecting a big station, I was expecting something similar to London Victoria. I had never been in Brighton before I moved down here. I had lived in London for 2 years, one of the largest cities in the world. Of course ANYTHING would feel small compared to London, but I was expecting something like maybe Stockholm. I thought Brighton was a big city. Because I moved from a small city to a big city for a reason. I am a big city-girl. My heart has always beaten a bit harder for big cities. While I grew up in Sweden my dream was always to move to Stockholm, because it was big. I love being surrounded by a rush. I love going on public transport, having music in my ears and just seeing the buildings pass by. I love having MILLIONS of options of places to go to.
So when I did come to Brighton I realized quite quickly that I was back in a city which reminded me more about my home town rather than Stockholm or Gothenburg. I am never the person who gives up and doesn't give things a chance. I never want to be the one thinking "I wonder what would happen if..." so I stayed. 6 months later, I have realized that in the meantime of being here I have lost myself. I have Everything I need to have a good life. There's nothing I miss in my life. I have an income, I have a place to sleep, I have people who cares about me. I have everything but myself. I don't recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. I have lost all confidence in myself. I have gone back to being the shy girl I was before I moved to UK. I feel so awkward and I feel like I don't fit in. I was so impressed by myself before that I actually stepped out from my comfort zone and I could do basically whatever I wanted because I wasn't shy and insecure anymore. Now it's the opposite, I don't feel like I can do anything. Because the shy girl has come back and I can't seem to push her away again.
I am living in the smallest room I've ever lived in. I have so much stuff that I don't have anywhere to put. It's the first time I am living alone. Like alone, alone. I don't mind being alone sometimes, I am a quite independent girl. But I have realized that I am not the one to live alone, alone. At least not in a small room like this. Only time I hear my neighbors is when they go to the toilet that is outside my room. All I have in this room is me and my thoughts.
Even if I like my job. I feel like I am not good enough. Because I'm shy. And I don't know what to say to people.
And even if I do my make up for 2 hours and do my hair. I don't see the girl I used to see. I used to look in the mirror and think "Damn, I look freaking fierce today". I don't see that anymore. I can still see that I look OK but I don't get impressed anymore over how good my make up turned out etc. I'm just dressing in black mostly and I every time I go and do some shopping, I just end up buying clothes with no "personality". I used to know what my style is but nowadays I don't.
I don't know if this is a identity-crisis, if it's a age-crisis. I'm in an age where I'm still "ridiculously young" but I'm still grown up. I don't know how to act. I want to be the wild child because I'm still young, but also I want to be mature and have a stable life.
I can't even drink anymore. I have lost all my interest in drinking. It's long time ago since I used to be a party animal, but now, I'm lucky if I am ever in a party-mood. I'm mostly feeling low because I think I am boring because I literally never wants to party or drink a single drink.
I don't say it's a must to drink alcohol. But I can't even finish one drink anymore. Because I don't want to risk feeling bad the next day. Even if I know one drink wont get me drunk and hungover. But then again I miss the girl who went out dancing every weekend, or just took a drink for fun's sake.
I don't know if this is because I have been abroad for over 2,5 years. And I've been away from family and friends so much that I start to forget who I actually am. For each time I leave Sweden, the more it hurts. It's always been painful to leave, but nowadays I am crying my heart out every single time.
I know people can't visit me. It's over 2 years ago since last time. But
I am just hoping happiness will come with summer. But I also know I probably have to do some changes in my life. I hope I can find myself again. I hope this overrated city will give me my soul back and I hope I one day can walk out in the town and feel like home. Just like I feel in London and Sweden.
lördag 2 januari 2016
söndag 20 december 2015
Just checking in and saw I still have some visitors here! You must have wondered what happened since my last post.
I would suggest you subscribe to my YouTube-channel to find out!
I can make a little update here also tho. Only if you promise to subscribe to the channel! Ok?
I am now living in Brighton. I absolutely hated it when I first came down. I just could not get the hype. Honestly, sometimes I still hate it. It is real small and that's what bothers me. But I don't hate it as much as I did in the beginning. I'm still trying to settle down but I think after NYE things will fall in to place and I'll probably be able to just go with the flow and enjoy life. I stayed in a hostel for 2 months, had two jobs that I did not enjoy to the fullest, and I have now finally found a job that I think I'll be happy with, which feels great!
I have found a room to rent in the PERFECT location of the city, 5 sec to supermarket, 10 sec to the station, 2 min to work and 10 min to the mall. Woop. It's a bit small, but it'll do for now. Wish it was a bit more of the Swedish standard, but I've decided next time I move whenever or wherever that'll be I'm going to save a huge amount of money so I can get somewhere with a nice standard.
I am so extremely happy because on Wednesday I am going home. I'm finally meeting my family and friends again. I can not lie but it is a struggle sometimes to be away from everything you are born and raised with. I love UK, but home will always be home. I will forever be Swedish and I realized this year when I almost had to stay in UK over X-mas that I'm so bloody scared of changes of certain things. I'm not scared of changes in the daily life but a tradition like x-mas, I have too much love for the Christmas I'm used to so I am so genuinely happy my new job let me go home for a while.
I can't wait to enjoy the Swedish food, hug my nephews and nieces and just feel like a kid again. No matter I just turned 22, when I get back home to mom I always feel like a kid again.
Oh, I have a laptop now as well. (Congrats Linda, that only took you like 9 months to get since your old one burned up) so if I have time I might start writing here again. I know my lovely friend Mikaela told me to update again! Hope you are happy now sweetheart. :-)
Okey, I don't really have anything more to say. I could write a book just because when I once start writing I never stop. But let's stop here and you guys subscribe to mine and Alexandra's YouTube ok? Good.
onsdag 2 september 2015
In 6 days I am leaving one of the biggest loves of my life. London. I'm leaving for Brighton. I don't know how long I'm leaving. Two weeks? Two months? Two years? Forever? I really don't know. It feels like this whole thing is out of my hands and I can not even get the slightest grip of it. I don't know what to feel or what to think. I'm laying sleepless in the nights, tossing ans turning and just want to feel something obvious. I want to see a clear Yes or No. But I can't. People might think I'm out of my mind. Yes, I am a bit nuts. I've always been doing the strangest things. So I don't want to skip it all without trying. I want to know if London is the best place for me, or if maybe another part of England is even better? How can I know if I never try? If you never try you never know. You need to be brave. Push the limits. The best thing is, that even if I would find out after just two weeks that I can not see a life in Brighton, and then move back to London, I will not feel like a failure. Because then I know that London is the best home I can have by now. London really feels like home. On Tuesday it's 2 years ago since I touched down in London.
Back then I felt like a small, shy girl. Two years later I'm a completely independent young woman. I earn my own money, I pay my own rent I cook my own food. Like wow! If you knew me before I moved you know cooking food and taking care of money wasn't my best side. I'm so proud of who I am and what I've accomplished so far. Sure, some days I cry and feel like the worst person in the world. But I can still think that I am such a cool chic. I left my home country, all by my self.
I'm glad I'll have one of my best friends with me in Brighton. I would never do it myself.
I've started pack my things. As the biggest cry baby I am, I'll probably cry when the train is leaving London. It's not even far. 50 minutes with the train. But still. My beloved, amazing London.