Bored

I think I know what my issue with Brighton is. I'm bored. It's so bloody boring. I've got so addicted to be in a big city where there's ALWAYS something happening. Where you can explore a completely new place every single day. Where there's always people around you to be inspired by, where the inspiration basically is everywhere.

Here, I have no inspiration at all. I just did my make up for 2 hours. And still when I look in the mirror I just see a bored face, there's no sparkle in my eyes. I've tried for ages to take a good selfie, but I just look bored and if I do try to fake a happy smile it just looks fake.

How I see it is, that my "relationship" with London, I can't get over it. It's like I just can't stop thinking about it. It's like getting over an ex. Even if I have a "replacement" city, I just can't get over London. London is where I found myself, where I grew the most, where I felt home and that this is where I belong. London is what makes me feel good.

In Brighton, it feels like everyone here has a stable life, everyone has everything they need cuz a lot of people already is from this area. I am feeling like such an outsider.

I can't find energy to do anything at all. I'm stuck in a bad circle. I am so bored and I think in the long run it will kill me.

I don't know if I have to get out of the bad accommodation I have now or if I need to get out from this city completely. I have tried so hard to like it but it just never clicks.

I don't know what to do with my life.

How I feel - and I don't know a shit

I am going to be honest with how I feel. I feel shit. I don't know if it's because I'm a girl and I'm on that time of the month (however I have felt like this longer than just that) or if it's my yearly winter-depression that is still going on or why I feel so low, I don't know. I don't have a concrete reason to feel this shit.

I came to Brighton 6 months ago and the second the train rolled into the station my FIRST impression was "Ehm...is this it?" I was expecting a big station, I was expecting something similar to London Victoria. I had never been in Brighton before I moved down here. I had lived in London for 2 years, one of the largest cities in the world. Of course ANYTHING would feel small compared to London, but I was expecting something like maybe Stockholm. I thought Brighton was a big city. Because I moved from a small city to a big city for a reason. I am a big city-girl. My heart has always beaten a bit harder for big cities. While I grew up in Sweden my dream was always to move to Stockholm, because it was big. I love being surrounded by a rush. I love going on public transport, having music in my ears and just seeing the buildings pass by. I love having MILLIONS of options of places to go to.

So when I did come to Brighton I realized quite quickly that I was back in a city which reminded me more about my home town rather than Stockholm or Gothenburg. I am never the person who gives up and doesn't give things a chance. I never want to be the one thinking "I wonder what would happen if..." so I stayed. 6 months later, I have realized that in the meantime of being here I have lost myself. I have Everything I need to have a good life. There's nothing I miss in my life. I have an income, I have a place to sleep, I have people who cares about me. I have everything but myself. I don't recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. I have lost all confidence in myself. I have gone back to being the shy girl I was before I moved to UK. I feel so awkward and I feel like I don't fit in. I was so impressed by myself before that I actually stepped out from my comfort zone and I could do basically whatever I wanted because I wasn't shy and insecure anymore. Now it's the opposite, I don't feel like I can do anything. Because the shy girl has come back and I can't seem to push her away again.

I am living in the smallest room I've ever lived in. I have so much stuff that I don't have anywhere to put. It's the first time I am living alone. Like alone, alone. I don't mind being alone sometimes, I am a quite independent girl. But I have realized that I am not the one to live alone, alone. At least not in a small room like this. Only time I hear my neighbors is when they go to the toilet that is outside my room. All I have in this room is me and my thoughts.

Even if I like my job. I feel like I am not good enough. Because I'm shy. And I don't know what to say to people.

And even if I do my make up for 2 hours and do my hair. I don't see the girl I used to see. I used to look in the mirror and think "Damn, I look freaking fierce today". I don't see that anymore. I can still see that I look OK but I don't get impressed anymore over how good my make up turned out etc. I'm just dressing in black mostly and I every time I go and do some shopping, I just end up buying clothes with no "personality". I used to know what my style is but nowadays I don't.

I don't know if this is a identity-crisis, if it's a age-crisis. I'm in an age where I'm still "ridiculously young" but I'm still grown up. I don't know how to act. I want to be the wild child because I'm still young, but also I want to be mature and have a stable life.

I can't even drink anymore. I have lost all my interest in drinking. It's long time ago since I used to be a party animal, but now, I'm lucky if I am ever in a party-mood. I'm mostly feeling low because I think I am boring because I literally never wants to party or drink a single drink.
I don't say it's a must to drink alcohol. But I can't even finish one drink anymore. Because I don't want to risk feeling bad the next day. Even if I know one drink wont get me drunk and hungover. But then again I miss the girl who went out dancing every weekend, or just took a drink for fun's sake.

I don't know if this is because I have been abroad for over 2,5 years. And I've been away from family and friends so much that I start to forget who I actually am. For each time I leave Sweden, the more it hurts. It's always been painful to leave, but nowadays I am crying my heart out every single time.

I know people can't visit me. It's over 2 years ago since last time. But

I am just hoping happiness will come with summer. But I also know I probably have to do some changes in my life. I hope I can find myself again. I hope this overrated city will give me my soul back and I hope I one day can walk out in the town and feel like home. Just like I feel in London and Sweden.

Own Youtube channel

Hi again darlings,

Just to let you know that I now have my own YouTube. It would mean a lot if you pressed the subscribe button and liked my videos! I am currently uploading some old videos but I have some new coming up very soon, so don't miss out! Thank you babes xxx

When will I fall in love?

I don't hate Brighton. I don't like Brighton. I feel nothing for this city. I feel absolutely nothing. I miss walking out in a city and just falling in love with everything I see. I miss sitting on a bus and have my heart just suddenly exploding because of the thought of the city I was living in. I've never felt so confused about my life like now. I don't want to leave, because I've finally got a job I enjoy and I have people around me that I like. I finally have my "own" place. I have every single possibility to have a great life now. I don't want to move back to London and I am not really ready for Sweden either, so therefore I should make the best out of the situation and make Brighton my new love. But still, I don't feel a thing for this city. I just want the winter to be over so the sunshine can come back because I think this city is more of a summer city. I know I always get a bit low and sad over the winter months because that's the affect the darkness have on me. I need sunshine.

I just want to slap myself in my face sometimes and tell myself to wake up and don't complain. Because there is nothing wrong with Brighton. When I sit down for myself and think of what I don't like about this place, I don't know what I don't like. It just doesn't have "it". I know what I miss. But I don't know what I want. I think I said it after my first 2-3 days here that Brighton is so perfect it's almost too perfect. And it is. It's walking distance to everything, it's close to the sea. It's easy to get to the airport when I'm flying home. It's just great. But still it's like my heart is refusing to fall for this city. In London I was in love with the city every single day. I had my low days in London too.. a long time I was very depressed when I lived there, but every single day I was in love with the city. I could go anywhere and know that I wouldn't see any familiar faces. To be a complete stranger felt so good. I could walk around dressed like the fancypancy lady I was back then. I have lost my core. I thought I'd find it when I got back to Sweden, but I still feel so confused.

I know who I am but for some reason I am hidden so deep down inside me and I don't know how to bring the old me back. I'm so annoyed at myself. I really don't like myself right now. 

I want the spring to come now and hopefully I will fall in love with Brighton and hopefully I'll bloom and find myself again because I'm sick of the girl who is so lame.

Happy new year. x