When will I fall in love?

I don't hate Brighton. I don't like Brighton. I feel nothing for this city. I feel absolutely nothing. I miss walking out in a city and just falling in love with everything I see. I miss sitting on a bus and have my heart just suddenly exploding because of the thought of the city I was living in. I've never felt so confused about my life like now. I don't want to leave, because I've finally got a job I enjoy and I have people around me that I like. I finally have my "own" place. I have every single possibility to have a great life now. I don't want to move back to London and I am not really ready for Sweden either, so therefore I should make the best out of the situation and make Brighton my new love. But still, I don't feel a thing for this city. I just want the winter to be over so the sunshine can come back because I think this city is more of a summer city. I know I always get a bit low and sad over the winter months because that's the affect the darkness have on me. I need sunshine.

I just want to slap myself in my face sometimes and tell myself to wake up and don't complain. Because there is nothing wrong with Brighton. When I sit down for myself and think of what I don't like about this place, I don't know what I don't like. It just doesn't have "it". I know what I miss. But I don't know what I want. I think I said it after my first 2-3 days here that Brighton is so perfect it's almost too perfect. And it is. It's walking distance to everything, it's close to the sea. It's easy to get to the airport when I'm flying home. It's just great. But still it's like my heart is refusing to fall for this city. In London I was in love with the city every single day. I had my low days in London too.. a long time I was very depressed when I lived there, but every single day I was in love with the city. I could go anywhere and know that I wouldn't see any familiar faces. To be a complete stranger felt so good. I could walk around dressed like the fancypancy lady I was back then. I have lost my core. I thought I'd find it when I got back to Sweden, but I still feel so confused.

I know who I am but for some reason I am hidden so deep down inside me and I don't know how to bring the old me back. I'm so annoyed at myself. I really don't like myself right now. 

I want the spring to come now and hopefully I will fall in love with Brighton and hopefully I'll bloom and find myself again because I'm sick of the girl who is so lame.

Happy new year. x