Some nights I stay up

I've always been very good at underestimating myself. It's not that I push myself down so hard so I don't even try if I give myself a challenge. But I always have a thought in my head saying "Linda, you'll do alright but you will never be the best." I have always been the shy girl for who it can take ages, years to be completely comfortable with basically anything. I have lived in London almost 1,5 year now and I definitely feel like home, but I can still sometimes feel like a complete stranger. Even if it's rough in this city sometimes I really can't see myself move back to Sweden. I don't know what I would do there. I love my family and friends to bits but I would in the long run not be happy to lice there. Not at the moment at least. The only thing that makes me think, is how much I have changed. Yes, I have grown so much, I can not even explained. But still, I sometimes miss the old teenage-Linda. I was just scrolling through my instagram and I could not even see the smallest similarity in my style or anything. It felt like I was looking at a completely different girl. Yes, I know, you grow up, your style changes, life changes, everything changes. But it just made me sad, because I have almost stopped using make up (I still wear it for one of my jobs) but if I'm going shopping or basically anything. I can not be bothered to care. And, yes, clothes are not everything. But for me, basically when I dress in something I like, I feel better, but it's more like a bad habit to just take some old jeans and a hoodie nowadays,  and therefore I feel less..everything. I'm in the state where I feel like the most boring girl in the world. Honestly, I feel quite useless. I am working pretty much 7 days a week at the moment, so I don't have a lot of time to think about anything, except when I go to bed and all thoughts comes to you. And all I hear is, "Linda, you are doing all right, you will be ok, but don't expect anything fantastic". I've started to pressure myself so hard lately,  so "all right" and "ok" is not enough. I want to be amazing. I want it to be great. So many times I've been thinking that tomorrow I'll throw away all stupid thoughts, but still,  here I am feeling pretty much like a loser, and I don't know what to do. I know that I should be proud, and I am, because I now have two jobs, a room, and I pay my own bills, buy my own clothes etc. in London. My issue is I don't know what I want. I've ended up in a bad mental circle. I really don't know, one day I want to dye my hair brown, next day I don't, I want to book a weekend away to another part of UK or wherever, next day I feel that whatever. I've lost the spontaneous side. I'm stressed, I work more this month than I've ever, ever done. If I do have a day off I sleep away half of it. I'm stressed because I haven't been in Sweden since Christmas and can't probably go there before maybe summer. I'm stressed because I want to go on a holiday, another place than Sweden. I need to get out from this city and be a tourist and see something new. I am stressed because I need a new laptop and a new telephone. I am stressed because I am stressed and I know what stress can do. I'm stressed because my brain is telling me to be someone I don't really want to be. I am myself,  but I am myself in a limited version.

I'm not happy about myself.
Good night.