Bored

I think I know what my issue with Brighton is. I'm bored. It's so bloody boring. I've got so addicted to be in a big city where there's ALWAYS something happening. Where you can explore a completely new place every single day. Where there's always people around you to be inspired by, where the inspiration basically is everywhere.

Here, I have no inspiration at all. I just did my make up for 2 hours. And still when I look in the mirror I just see a bored face, there's no sparkle in my eyes. I've tried for ages to take a good selfie, but I just look bored and if I do try to fake a happy smile it just looks fake.

How I see it is, that my "relationship" with London, I can't get over it. It's like I just can't stop thinking about it. It's like getting over an ex. Even if I have a "replacement" city, I just can't get over London. London is where I found myself, where I grew the most, where I felt home and that this is where I belong. London is what makes me feel good.

In Brighton, it feels like everyone here has a stable life, everyone has everything they need cuz a lot of people already is from this area. I am feeling like such an outsider.

I can't find energy to do anything at all. I'm stuck in a bad circle. I am so bored and I think in the long run it will kill me.

I don't know if I have to get out of the bad accommodation I have now or if I need to get out from this city completely. I have tried so hard to like it but it just never clicks.

I don't know what to do with my life.

How I feel - and I don't know a shit

I am going to be honest with how I feel. I feel shit. I don't know if it's because I'm a girl and I'm on that time of the month (however I have felt like this longer than just that) or if it's my yearly winter-depression that is still going on or why I feel so low, I don't know. I don't have a concrete reason to feel this shit.

I came to Brighton 6 months ago and the second the train rolled into the station my FIRST impression was "Ehm...is this it?" I was expecting a big station, I was expecting something similar to London Victoria. I had never been in Brighton before I moved down here. I had lived in London for 2 years, one of the largest cities in the world. Of course ANYTHING would feel small compared to London, but I was expecting something like maybe Stockholm. I thought Brighton was a big city. Because I moved from a small city to a big city for a reason. I am a big city-girl. My heart has always beaten a bit harder for big cities. While I grew up in Sweden my dream was always to move to Stockholm, because it was big. I love being surrounded by a rush. I love going on public transport, having music in my ears and just seeing the buildings pass by. I love having MILLIONS of options of places to go to.

So when I did come to Brighton I realized quite quickly that I was back in a city which reminded me more about my home town rather than Stockholm or Gothenburg. I am never the person who gives up and doesn't give things a chance. I never want to be the one thinking "I wonder what would happen if..." so I stayed. 6 months later, I have realized that in the meantime of being here I have lost myself. I have Everything I need to have a good life. There's nothing I miss in my life. I have an income, I have a place to sleep, I have people who cares about me. I have everything but myself. I don't recognize the girl in the mirror anymore. I have lost all confidence in myself. I have gone back to being the shy girl I was before I moved to UK. I feel so awkward and I feel like I don't fit in. I was so impressed by myself before that I actually stepped out from my comfort zone and I could do basically whatever I wanted because I wasn't shy and insecure anymore. Now it's the opposite, I don't feel like I can do anything. Because the shy girl has come back and I can't seem to push her away again.

I am living in the smallest room I've ever lived in. I have so much stuff that I don't have anywhere to put. It's the first time I am living alone. Like alone, alone. I don't mind being alone sometimes, I am a quite independent girl. But I have realized that I am not the one to live alone, alone. At least not in a small room like this. Only time I hear my neighbors is when they go to the toilet that is outside my room. All I have in this room is me and my thoughts.

Even if I like my job. I feel like I am not good enough. Because I'm shy. And I don't know what to say to people.

And even if I do my make up for 2 hours and do my hair. I don't see the girl I used to see. I used to look in the mirror and think "Damn, I look freaking fierce today". I don't see that anymore. I can still see that I look OK but I don't get impressed anymore over how good my make up turned out etc. I'm just dressing in black mostly and I every time I go and do some shopping, I just end up buying clothes with no "personality". I used to know what my style is but nowadays I don't.

I don't know if this is a identity-crisis, if it's a age-crisis. I'm in an age where I'm still "ridiculously young" but I'm still grown up. I don't know how to act. I want to be the wild child because I'm still young, but also I want to be mature and have a stable life.

I can't even drink anymore. I have lost all my interest in drinking. It's long time ago since I used to be a party animal, but now, I'm lucky if I am ever in a party-mood. I'm mostly feeling low because I think I am boring because I literally never wants to party or drink a single drink.
I don't say it's a must to drink alcohol. But I can't even finish one drink anymore. Because I don't want to risk feeling bad the next day. Even if I know one drink wont get me drunk and hungover. But then again I miss the girl who went out dancing every weekend, or just took a drink for fun's sake.

I don't know if this is because I have been abroad for over 2,5 years. And I've been away from family and friends so much that I start to forget who I actually am. For each time I leave Sweden, the more it hurts. It's always been painful to leave, but nowadays I am crying my heart out every single time.

I know people can't visit me. It's over 2 years ago since last time. But

I am just hoping happiness will come with summer. But I also know I probably have to do some changes in my life. I hope I can find myself again. I hope this overrated city will give me my soul back and I hope I one day can walk out in the town and feel like home. Just like I feel in London and Sweden.